Saturday, February 11, 2006

no disintigrations, yo!

So here's what's goin down. I'm all tellin Pads I'll investigizzle this bounty hunter thing, so I flewed out to Bespin or wherever to see if I could be all trackin down this chick an baby-clone. Well, turns out Cloud City's, like, stuck in this tizime warp or sumthin, cause everybody's like in polyester leisure suits an whatnot - an ya'll know the Chosen One don't roll that way, yo.

So I'm chillin, lookin around for these playas, tryin to avoid the people with fish in their shoes (seems like somethin Obs would do by accident or sumthin). Oh! They took me on a tour of the tizorture/carbon freezin facilitizzle. That thing is off the hook!

Been havin weird dreams since I gots here, but I think it's cause of all the orange an green an meatloaf. Sumbody from the temple called an said somebody was lookin' for me, so I'm kinda not wantin to go back - might be sumbody I owe money or sumthin.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Holovid to Padme

[begin recording]

Word up, fly girl. I been all thinkin bout you an spit since you ain't here an stuff. These skippin my arraignmizzle parties ain't the same without ya, babe.

You want me to throw down on those fools? You's the best interizzle decorator evah, girl. I mean, nobody but you can spend like a jillion hours findin just the right shoes to match the rug in the fresher or whatev, you get me? I'll totally bust a cap if I hear they're messin with ya. An stay away from those other guys - you're the Chosen One's, girl, an they best be steppin if they think they's gonna be gettin all up in my girl, you know?

One of the chillest things bout everybody bein there is I get ta choose my own missions an spit, an since I think we got our drink on so much there ain't no booze on Coruscant anymore, I'll go check out that bizounty hunter or whatev. Gotta keep ya safe, babe!

I'll ask Palp-doggy if he knows anythin bout Bizzle. He's a straight up guy, Palps is. Can't believe people are all up in his grill about that wire tappin shizzy. Shuh, you want a safe Republic or you want private holo comms? I mean, come on.

Anywayz, I watch the show all the time, but Windu sometimes puts a sock in my mouth (his, thank the Force... I'd totally be dead if it were Obs) cause I yell at the TV when they bein all mean ta you an spit.

Well, Windu's screechin at me to clean up.... I dunno, sumthin, so I gotta jet.

[end transmission]

Saturday, January 14, 2006

risky businizzle

Word up, ya'll. So here's the thing - Master Y, Obs, an, like everybody else cept for Windu who's all been up in my grill are on Naboo playin this big brizother thing or whatev, so I gots full runna the Temple. Nobody tellin me what to do or who not to sizlaughter or nuthin.

So I went an threw a "I ain't in jail yet, fools" party with all my dawgs. It was whack, yo! The Room of a Gabillion Fountains is, like, perfect for that sorta thing cause you can go swimmin and spit. An I totally owned at beer pong causa my mad Force skillz and whatnot.

This is so wizard. No Cheeto dust or nuthin (it's like sand - it gets everywhere, yo), no Force wedgies... Just Windu bein all Windu-y. We're havin another "Still ain't in jail yet" party tonight, and it's gonna be off the hizzy. Anyone still around who wantsta chill with the Chosen One is totally invited - we gots karoke an like an entire Corellia-sector's wortha booze, an the Die Hard trilogizzle. An hardwood floors we can slide across in our socks an spit.

This is the life!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

taken down by The Man

So check it. I'm chillin down in the Room of a Bizillion Fountains or whatev, and I see this new sign that sumbody musta put up. Like, Force-wedgie Zone or whatev. So I'm lookin at it, right? And I realize I gots this marker in my pocket from when I was colorin in the scratches on Windu's speeder so he wouldn't see what I did ta it, an I figure... hey, these fizossles need sumthin to laugh at so I totally jacked the sign bigtime.

I wanna post it here, but Yodes is all hatin on me an says it's all not Youngling friendly or whatev.

But, shuh, man - how was I s'posed ta know I was depantsing public property an spit? An even if I did know that, I dinnt know it were a felony. Now they're all sayin it was a hate crime. Well, ya know what? I'm not the hater! You all is the haters!

The Man's brought me down an now I got this whacked out court date or whatev and if I haveta go to prison, do I get conjugizzle visits with Pad... er... Senator Amidala?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Emancipated.... minor?

So check it, ya'll. I'm gettin all sick an tizired of the way those fogies on the council're treatin me. I'm the Chosen One, yo! Notta mention what I gots to put up with at home, with Ob's "wrasslin", Windu's sob-fests, an Yodes' force-wedgies. I'm all feelin abused an spit.

So I went downta the Coruscant Department of Social Services to see what I could do bout it. The social worker was this bizottle-blonde chick who didn't seem like she wanted to be there. But, ya know, I don't wanna be a lot of places either, so whatev.

"So, Mister... Starkiller?"

"Skywalker, yo."

"Ah, Skywalker. It says here you want to be emancipated from your guardians."

"Word. They all gettin up in my grill, girl. My Master's all white trash an the other dudes are all like a billion years old an spit."

"It also says that you're a Jedi Knight."

"The Chosen One, yo. The Chosen One."

"Riiight. Well, Mr. Skywalker... according to Coruscanti law, you're a legal adult. You can move out whenever you want. We don't have to get involved at all."

Oh, so that's how it was gonna be. She was all hatin on me jus like everybody else!

"But check it, I can't! They're all like "commitment, blah blah" an all that. I'm not playin, yo, I gots to get outta there!"

"Look, Mr. Skywalker, you're wasting my time. If you don't like it, just leave."

"Have you ever had a Force-wedgie? That's the kinda shizzy I gotta put up with every day."

"Force... wedgie? Listen, if you don't leave I'm going to call security."

An since I really wasn't about gettin arrested an spit, I decided to demonstrizzle a Force-wedgie an hightail it outta there.

So there goes my court-ordered separization from these haters. On to plan B!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Grody, man, grody

So I'm sure ya'll got a good laugh outta what that little green monkey did ta me, but I'll show him. I mean it weren't like I tried to mess up his smitin or whatev, but I really wanted to go clubbin with Pa... um... some of my homies, an he was all like getting up in my grill about it or whatev.

I gotta wonder if DSS gets involved in Jiz-edi affairs cause man I'm feelin all abused an spit. I mean, first he welds my roboclaw to my stereo, then he does this! An not to mention the Force wedgies! My underoos are so far up my butt they could pass as a thong, ya'll.

I mean, I'm the Chosen One, yo! They should be all worshippin me an spit, not makin me look like an overgrown Oompa Loompa. Seriously - Oompa Loompas freak me out.

I wonder if I could at least get my own crib - then he wouldn't be able to touch my stuff, or mangle me or whatev.

Shuh, this is ridonkulous.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Diz-ouble dose

So went to Windu's party so he wouldn't get all weepy an spit, plus he promised cookie dough. He an the girl who looks like Pads an somebody else all watched The Notebook or whatev, but I wasn't about that. I was all about the Corellian Ale-pong with Obs (Our motto: We play to lose!), but when we went to go do karoke after...


Turns out Yodes is all "Leads to the dark side karoke does" or some shizzy like that an he chucked it. Well, dude, what are we s'posedta do after eleven roundsa Corellian Ale-pong? Stand around an stare at each other? I mean, underwear bowlin's all cool an spit, but sometimes a Chosen One's gotta sing that stupid "Feelings" song off key.

Okay, so the karoke machine's screen was kinda broken, an sometimes the speakers went inta overdiz-rive without warnin, but... it was a good machine, ya'll. It will be missed.

So then me an Ferus got in a fight over who looked stupider in their Padawan haircut (he wins, cause I have a MUCH better haircut now an he's still rockin the braid) an I think I mighta broken sumthin like a lamp or a window or sumthin with the Force or my roboclaw or Ferus' head or sumthin... it gets a little fuzzy after that.

But then the next night was Palps' "comin out" party, which was SO not what I thought it was gonna be.

That was pretty kickin - lotsa free booze, politicians to annoy, politicians to... er... protect... holonet crews, the whole deal. 'Cept Palps kept callin me "Lord Vapor" or sumthin like that, which was kinda messed. I mean, he's old, but he ain't, like, Yoda-old.

Wonder if it has anythin to do with the "So You Want to Fall to the Dark Side" pamphlets he keeps slippin in my robes whenever he thinks I ain't lookin. Whatev.

So I'm all bein the Hero With No Fear/Jedi posterboy, whatev for the holonet crews, which seemed to make em happy, specially when it was time for underwear bowling... which, Pads has informed me, is not an "appropriate party activity for an official Republic function". But dude, I wasn't the one billin this as a comin out party so I dunno what ya'll expect from me.