Sunday, August 21, 2005

The List

So Windu's all "You gotta make a list of all the people you slaughtered" and I'm all "I haven't slaughtered that many, yo!" An I tried tellin' him that Tusken Raiders don't count as people, cept he didn't buy that so he's makin me write the list anyway, the hater.

So... okay.

People Anakin Skywalker Has Slaughtered (including Tusken Raiders)
Tusken encampment 17 (30 or 40, which prolly translates into one or two people)
2. Clone trooper TC1439, for cuttin me off in traffic on Jabiim
3. Sebulba, for bein a jerk
4. Gardulla the Hutt, for bein a Hutty jerk
5. One of Pads' handmaidens, by accident, when I was practicin the new Force-choke trick
6. Pads' fish Mr Fishie

An that's it. Honest.

Friday, August 19, 2005


Pads party rocked hardcore. I was all about bein able to just chill after Windu's... class... thing... Who knew self-improvement was so hard, yo? Anyways, I tol him I was sick or whatev, and went over to Pads'... pad.

I was early, but that was all good, 'cause I hadta... um... well, we hadta run a couple errands. She kept complain that her feet hurt so we went to go get her some new shoes or whatev. Then we got back, an by that time people were showin up an spit.

Bro brought his dad... an I gotta wonder what mom saw in that dude. I mean... shuh. You can't get creepier than that guy. He kept pokin me, so I threatened to poke him with my lightsaber, an he stopped. Too bad that don't work on Yodes.

Me an Obs played the Master Yoda drinkin game (example: take a drink every time Yodes mentions Dolly. Two drinks when he mentions leavin 'presents', etc), an we were pretty wasted by about a half-hour into it. We prolly shoulda picked someone a little less... um... talkative. An we prolly shouldnta been doin shots. Whatev.

We played underwear bowling.... or, I did, anyway. An it wasn't so much bowlin as it was... lettin everybody get a look at the Chosen One shakin his groove thing. For some reason, Pads really seemed to like that.....

So then me an Pads spent some... quality time together... ya know, talkin about her senator stuff or whatev an the whole me protectin her thing... just talkin', a'ight? But then Typhoid started gettin all up in her grill about somethin or other an I couldn't see anybody talkin to my girl like that, so I threw down.

Well, I mostly just made stuff break... that always seems to happen when I'm pissed off, yo. I dunno why. I've gone through more lamps an droids that way... But then everythin was cool again, an I ended up stayin over at her place cause me + Obs + both us bein drunk = fightin over the bathroom. Pads has got, like, twelve bathrooms.

All in all, great party. But now I gotta work on the list Windu wants me to make of people I've "harmed" by my "attitude". I think first on the list is prolly Padme's goldfish, considerin I Force-broke its tank when I was all bein up in Typhoid's face.

Sorry Mr. Fishie. Didn't mean to slaughter you.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Don't Make Me Kill You

Seriously, yo. This sensitivity thing is beyond whack. It wouldn't be so bad if Windu didn't insist on huggin me every five minutes cause he says I got "mommy issues" or whatev. He'd have mommy issues too if his mom died in his arms after bein enslaved by horrible beasts. But not like I'd say that or anythin. I mean, The Hero With No Fear don't play that way, yo.

Today I taught the pyro-padawans (the only ones I really get along with) how to start fires usin the Force. Saves em money on matches an lighters an spit, I figure. Unfortunately, one of 'em did it a bit too close to Windu, an the dude's robe caught fire. I didn't get in trouble cause startin fires is one of the few things I ain't known for doin, so that's all good.

We're supposed to do a "moral inventory" or sumthin. I don't really know what that means. I think we're supposed to, like, talk about what we need to change about ourselves or sumthing. He gave me this blue book to read - "The 12 Steps of Dark Side Recovery". Dunno if that's a hint or sumthin, but like I keep tellin ya'll, I don't play with the Dark Side.

He said he's gonna give me a list of all the stuff I gotta work on about myself. Believe me, ya'll will know it when that happens. I'm the Chosen One! I don't gotta work on spit. Sides the fact he hates me an'll pro'lly say I needta shave my head or sumthin (so not gonna happen).

Anyway, Pads is havin a party, so I'm all about that. Take my mind off this self-improvement dealy. I'm gonna wear sumthin even hotter than my normal kickin threads, but I haven't decided what yet. Prolly black. Prolly leather. Cause I'm hot like that, yo. But if Obs tries to put eyeliner on me again...

Monday, August 08, 2005

Feelings... whoa-oh-oh feelings

I swear, ya'll, I am this close to lightsaber my own self up. Windu's sensitivity training thing is so whack it goes beyond whack to the downright ridonkulous. Had my first "class" today or whatev. He said we hadta bring in a pic of ourselves as kids (yeah, me an the three pyro padawans, that guy who works in the archives an won't stop punchin people, an that chick who kneed Obs in the groin that time he tried to pick a Cheeto out of her hair durin a food fight).
So I brought this one, yo. I was a cuddly cute lil kid, ya'll.

So Windu was all "you were crazy then, you're even crazier now" whatever that's supposed to mean.

So then we got down to bizness. We sat in a circle an we had to talk bout what scared us. I was all, SHuh! I'm the Hero With No Fear, yo! Nothin scares me! But Windu was all "Everybody is scared of something", so I jus told him I was scared of killer bees to shut him up. (I'm not, though) Funny thing is, the padawans all said they were scared of me. How sweet is that!

So after that shizzy was done, Windu gave us paper an stuff an we had to draw how we felt inside. I was feelin a little queasy from the cafeteria breakfast I hadta eat, but Windu said I wasn't allowed to draw runny eggs or whatev. So I drew this instead.

It's all angsty an spit. An Windu is all askin why I didn't use more colors or whatev, and I was all what, you think I'm like flowers and puppies an spit? I'm the Chosen One! I'm not about that! So then Windu was like... "Skywalker needs a hug". An they hugged me, yo! Talk about embarrassing! Then Windu made me hold his "bear o love" or whatev.

Bite me, Windu.

So now we gotta, like, journal or somethin. Write down our deepest darkest feelings or whatev so we can be all about controlling our emotions or whatev. Shuh, like I'm gonna do that. We're supposed to write on a scale of 1-10 shizzy like what we're feeling... like me, right now...

Anger: 10

Gonna Bust a Cap: 10

An like that. So I'm jus gonna do it here, cause there's no way I'm gonna buy a whole new datapad jus to write about stupid stuff.

So yeah. I dunno why Y-dawg wants me to take this stupid class if it's gonna have the opposite effect or whatev. But I wanna be a Master, so I gotta do it, even if it means fantasizing about choppin all ya'lls arms off. (well, not all ya'll, just the ones involved in makin me do this stupid thing).

Sunday, August 07, 2005


So check it - Little Riddle Monkey wants me to take Windu's stupid class-shizzy, an I'm so not about that. "Jedi Sensitivity"? SHUH. Whatev. I'm as sensitive as the next guy, yo. Just cause I'm not all "OMG - no emotion!" or whatev, it don't mean I'm gonna fly off the handle and go dark side on all ya'll.

And since it's Windu, I bet there's gonna be group sharing and hugs an spit. No way, no way. But since I'm gonna get kicked out of the Order (and then never become a Master an junk) if I don't go... ugh. This is ridonkulous, yo.

I gotta start tomorrow, so I'm definitely gonna be all about postin the goods up in here, cause really, dude. SO wrong.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Thanks, Aayla

So I guess ya'lls know about that whole "wanted for murder" thing now that Aayla hadta open her cake-hole. Just wanna set the record straight on this one. I didn't murder sandpeople, okay? Didn't slaughter, maim, mutilate, or dessicrate their population at all, yo. I just scared em a little, that's all, really. I mean, shuh. They killed my mom, yo! You'd think I'd be entitled to a little retribution or whatevs. All I did was some.... aggressive negotiations. S'not my fault they all got in the way of my lightsaber! If I really wanted to've busted a cap, I woulda killed all the sandpeople, not just one tribe. But... I didn't kill one tribe. Didn't kill any.

And Aayla, for ya 411, "Little Ani" was my slave name, yo. Now I'm A-dawg, Anakin, or Ani-from-the-block. Oh, or PimpMaster Skywalker. Whatevs.

So, in conclusion, ya'll... not a murderer. Just a... negotiator. Like Obi-Wan! Only... with blood on my boots instead of Cheeto stains on my robes.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The Death of a Droid

Word up my home-Jedis and wannabeJedis. Check it - I am way sick of 3P0 actin all "rovin reporter" or whatevs. TWO times he posted pics of me that I didn't even know he took an now everybody knows about me an Padme suckin face... .I mean.... me rescuin her from whatever, or whatever. An the modeling spot? Okay, look, I was hard up for cash, yo. Like the album little-homes JJ was all talkin about, I just did it so I could pay off some people, a'ight? Not proud of it, but there ya go, and the fewer peeps knowin, the better. I mean, who would take the Hero With No Fear seriously seein him in a flowered shirt? Nobody!

So here's the thing. I went to go talk to 3P0 about it. Didn't wanna get all up in his grill or anythin, since he's all "Oh, Master Anakin, you're so handsome I just thought the galaxy would want to see more of you!" And well, yeah, that's true - I am hot stuff - but I would so rather people not see that side of me. Strikin fear in the heart of the Separatists and Younglings is tough when all they think about is the "softer side of Ani" or whatev.

So I went to talk to him, right? And he's all bein... him... and then alla sudden I just... I couldn't take it anymore, yo! Here I am, tryin to protect the galaxy, and he's bein all paparazizzle. I dunno what came over me. Next thing I know, he's lyin on the floor in pieces, an I got my lightsaber out. I got oil and shizzy all over my robes, yo. An now I dont got a droid. Not like it's a big thing - I built him the first time, I can rebuild him now. But not... right now. I gotta cool off first.

An this kinda makes me wonder - I don't remember choppin hisself up. Gotta wonder if I ever did that before. I mean, drinking binges dont count - as Aalya and Siri (and me, I guess) have made perfectly clear - there are always witnesses for those. An even if I was wasted beyond belief, I think I'd remember choppin somebody up, you know?

I have woken up with blood on my robes an spit before, but I usually figured Mace got a nosebleed and thought wiping it on the black robes would make it not obvious. Maybe gonna wanna look into that...