The Chosen One

no disintigrations, yo!

2006-02-11T19:26:00.000-05:00

So here's what's goin down. I'm all tellin Pads I'll investigizzle this bounty hunter thing, so I flewed out to Bespin or wherever to see if I could be all trackin down this chick an baby-clone. Well, turns out Cloud City's, like, stuck in this tizime warp or sumthin, cause everybody's like in polyester leisure suits an whatnot - an ya'll know the Chosen One don't roll that way, yo.

So I'm chillin, lookin around for these playas, tryin to avoid the people with fish in their shoes (seems like somethin Obs would do by accident or sumthin). Oh! They took me on a tour of the tizorture/carbon freezin facilitizzle. That thing is off the hook!

Been havin weird dreams since I gots here, but I think it's cause of all the orange an green an meatloaf. Sumbody from the temple called an said somebody was lookin' for me, so I'm kinda not wantin to go back - might be sumbody I owe money or sumthin.

Holovid to Padme

2006-01-29T22:45:00.000-05:00

[begin recording]

Word up, fly girl. I been all thinkin bout you an spit since you ain't here an stuff. These skippin my arraignmizzle parties ain't the same without ya, babe.

You want me to throw down on those fools? You's the best interizzle decorator evah, girl. I mean, nobody but you can spend like a jillion hours findin just the right shoes to match the rug in the fresher or whatev, you get me? I'll totally bust a cap if I hear they're messin with ya. An stay away from those other guys - you're the Chosen One's, girl, an they best be steppin if they think they's gonna be gettin all up in my girl, you know?

One of the chillest things bout everybody bein there is I get ta choose my own missions an spit, an since I think we got our drink on so much there ain't no booze on Coruscant anymore, I'll go check out that bizounty hunter or whatev. Gotta keep ya safe, babe!

I'll ask Palp-doggy if he knows anythin bout Bizzle. He's a straight up guy, Palps is. Can't believe people are all up in his grill about that wire tappin shizzy. Shuh, you want a safe Republic or you want private holo comms? I mean, come on.

Anywayz, I watch the show all the time, but Windu sometimes puts a sock in my mouth (his, thank the Force... I'd totally be dead if it were Obs) cause I yell at the TV when they bein all mean ta you an spit.

Well, Windu's screechin at me to clean up.... I dunno, sumthin, so I gotta jet.
Love
Ani

[end transmission]

risky businizzle

2006-01-14T19:48:00.000-05:00

Word up, ya'll. So here's the thing - Master Y, Obs, an, like everybody else cept for Windu who's all been up in my grill are on Naboo playin this big brizother thing or whatev, so I gots full runna the Temple. Nobody tellin me what to do or who not to sizlaughter or nuthin.

So I went an threw a "I ain't in jail yet, fools" party with all my dawgs. It was whack, yo! The Room of a Gabillion Fountains is, like, perfect for that sorta thing cause you can go swimmin and spit. An I totally owned at beer pong causa my mad Force skillz and whatnot.

This is so wizard. No Cheeto dust or nuthin (it's like sand - it gets everywhere, yo), no Force wedgies... Just Windu bein all Windu-y. We're havin another "Still ain't in jail yet" party tonight, and it's gonna be off the hizzy. Anyone still around who wantsta chill with the Chosen One is totally invited - we gots karoke an like an entire Corellia-sector's wortha booze, an the Die Hard trilogizzle. An hardwood floors we can slide across in our socks an spit.

This is the life!

taken down by The Man

2006-01-05T21:55:00.000-05:00

So check it. I'm chillin down in the Room of a Bizillion Fountains or whatev, and I see this new sign that sumbody musta put up. Like, Force-wedgie Zone or whatev. So I'm lookin at it, right? And I realize I gots this marker in my pocket from when I was colorin in the scratches on Windu's speeder so he wouldn't see what I did ta it, an I figure... hey, these fizossles need sumthin to laugh at so I totally jacked the sign bigtime.

I wanna post it here, but Yodes is all hatin on me an says it's all not Youngling friendly or whatev.

But, shuh, man - how was I s'posed ta know I was depantsing public property an spit? An even if I did know that, I dinnt know it were a felony. Now they're all sayin it was a hate crime. Well, ya know what? I'm not the hater! You all is the haters!

The Man's brought me down an now I got this whacked out court date or whatev and if I haveta go to prison, do I get conjugizzle visits with Pad... er... Senator Amidala?

Emancipated.... minor?

2005-12-13T22:25:00.000-05:00

So check it, ya'll. I'm gettin all sick an tizired of the way those fogies on the council're treatin me. I'm the Chosen One, yo! Notta mention what I gots to put up with at home, with Ob's "wrasslin", Windu's sob-fests, an Yodes' force-wedgies. I'm all feelin abused an spit.

So I went downta the Coruscant Department of Social Services to see what I could do bout it. The social worker was this bizottle-blonde chick who didn't seem like she wanted to be there. But, ya know, I don't wanna be a lot of places either, so whatev.

"So, Mister... Starkiller?"

"Skywalker, yo."

"Ah, Skywalker. It says here you want to be emancipated from your guardians."

"Word. They all gettin up in my grill, girl. My Master's all white trash an the other dudes are all like a billion years old an spit."

"It also says that you're a Jedi Knight."

"The Chosen One, yo. The Chosen One."

"Riiight. Well, Mr. Skywalker... according to Coruscanti law, you're a legal adult. You can move out whenever you want. We don't have to get involved at all."

Oh, so that's how it was gonna be. She was all hatin on me jus like everybody else!

"But check it, I can't! They're all like "commitment, blah blah" an all that. I'm not playin, yo, I gots to get outta there!"

"Look, Mr. Skywalker, you're wasting my time. If you don't like it, just leave."

"Have you ever had a Force-wedgie? That's the kinda shizzy I gotta put up with every day."

"Force... wedgie? Listen, if you don't leave I'm going to call security."

An since I really wasn't about gettin arrested an spit, I decided to demonstrizzle a Force-wedgie an hightail it outta there.

So there goes my court-ordered separization from these haters. On to plan B!

Grody, man, grody

2005-11-19T20:44:00.000-05:00

So I'm sure ya'll got a good laugh outta what that little green monkey did ta me, but I'll show him. I mean it weren't like I tried to mess up his smitin or whatev, but I really wanted to go clubbin with Pa... um... some of my homies, an he was all like getting up in my grill about it or whatev.

I gotta wonder if DSS gets involved in Jiz-edi affairs cause man I'm feelin all abused an spit. I mean, first he welds my roboclaw to my stereo, then he does this! An not to mention the Force wedgies! My underoos are so far up my butt they could pass as a thong, ya'll.

I mean, I'm the Chosen One, yo! They should be all worshippin me an spit, not makin me look like an overgrown Oompa Loompa. Seriously - Oompa Loompas freak me out.

I wonder if I could at least get my own crib - then he wouldn't be able to touch my stuff, or mangle me or whatev.

Shuh, this is ridonkulous.

Diz-ouble dose

2005-10-22T21:05:00.000-04:00

So went to Windu's party so he wouldn't get all weepy an spit, plus he promised cookie dough. He an the girl who looks like Pads an somebody else all watched The Notebook or whatev, but I wasn't about that. I was all about the Corellian Ale-pong with Obs (Our motto: We play to lose!), but when we went to go do karoke after...

NO KAROKE MACHINE, YO!

Turns out Yodes is all "Leads to the dark side karoke does" or some shizzy like that an he chucked it. Well, dude, what are we s'posedta do after eleven roundsa Corellian Ale-pong? Stand around an stare at each other? I mean, underwear bowlin's all cool an spit, but sometimes a Chosen One's gotta sing that stupid "Feelings" song off key.

Okay, so the karoke machine's screen was kinda broken, an sometimes the speakers went inta overdiz-rive without warnin, but... it was a good machine, ya'll. It will be missed.

So then me an Ferus got in a fight over who looked stupider in their Padawan haircut (he wins, cause I have a MUCH better haircut now an he's still rockin the braid) an I think I mighta broken sumthin like a lamp or a window or sumthin with the Force or my roboclaw or Ferus' head or sumthin... it gets a little fuzzy after that.

But then the next night was Palps' "comin out" party, which was SO not what I thought it was gonna be.

That was pretty kickin - lotsa free booze, politicians to annoy, politicians to... er... protect... holonet crews, the whole deal. 'Cept Palps kept callin me "Lord Vapor" or sumthin like that, which was kinda messed. I mean, he's old, but he ain't, like, Yoda-old.

Wonder if it has anythin to do with the "So You Want to Fall to the Dark Side" pamphlets he keeps slippin in my robes whenever he thinks I ain't lookin. Whatev.

So I'm all bein the Hero With No Fear/Jedi posterboy, whatev for the holonet crews, which seemed to make em happy, specially when it was time for underwear bowling... which, Pads has informed me, is not an "appropriate party activity for an official Republic function". But dude, I wasn't the one billin this as a comin out party so I dunno what ya'll expect from me.

Stuff an Junk

2005-10-11T18:29:00.000-04:00

So Pads tagged me with this whacked out survey-y thing.

10 years ago I was:
· Jus startin out as Obs' apprentizzizle.
· Wearin that stupid-ass braid
· Whoopin Ferus Olin at Force-freeze tag.

5 years ago I was:
· Still Obs' apprentice
· Beginnin to reach full hot stuff status
· Dreamin bout Pads

1 year ago I was:
· Adjustin to the roboclaw
· Reunizzled with sumbody I... um....
· Fightin dirty Separatists

Yesterday I was:
· Borrowin Y-dawg's speeder
· Drinkin a big gulp
· Hockin loogies off the upper level of the archive room

5 snacks I enjoy the most:
· Mujaberry cake
· Uncle Jinn & JJ's Brownies (duh)
· Jello shots
· Scurrier nuggets
· Cookies

5 songs I know all the words to:
· My Way or the Highway
· Another Clone Bites the Dust
· GFFA Bonnie and Clyde
· Dark Side of Naboo
· Iron Man

5 ideal places for running away to:
· Mustafar
· Pad's place on Naboo
· Lower sections of Coruscant
· 7-11
· Palp's office

5 items you will never see me wear:
· Polo shirts
· anything khaki
· anythin colorful
· mittens
· a light brown Jedi ensemble

5 biggest joys in my life:
· Scarin younglings
· Big gulps
· jello shots
· Pissin off the Council
· ~~Padme~~ Protectin senators an junk

3 favorite toys:
· Lightsaber
· Roboclaw
· Remote controlled whoopie cushion

5 tags: C’mon and play!
· Siri
· Palps
· Windu
· Adi Gallia
· Ki-Adi-Mundi

Tuesdays with Ferus

2005-09-22T20:27:00.000-04:00

Check it: I wakes up from a NyQuil coma to find out I gotta do one-on-one tutorin with Siri's obnoxizzle padawan Dumba... er... Ferus. Seems like he sucks at pretty much everythin. Not a surprise, but whatevs. Not to mention he's always all "Anakin's slaughterin people, Anakin's sneakin out of the Temple, Anakin's stealin speeders, Anakin's taking 'stim" to anybody who'll listen.

So I figure, s'all good. Cause I've been waitin for a chance to throw him a beatin, and this way I can do it all legit an spit. We started with 'saber trainin, since I can't meditate for shizzy an I sure ain't gonna try an teach him. He wanted to learn Vaapad right off the bat, but I ain't goin there. Specially since he can't even figure out Form 1.

So to "get a feel for his skillz", we did some sparrin first. I whupped his sorry behind. I think he prolly shoulda gone to the Healer's what with the 'saber burn on his chest an all, but whatev. So since he sucked, I had him go through katas without the saber for a while, just to get him to shut up for twenty seconds. Left him doin that an got some coffee, came back, had him keep doin it, took a nap, woke up, an sent him back to Siri.

Obs heard I was workin with Dumba... Ferus... an assumed that meant we were bestest friends, so he invited Ferus to stay with us while Siri's off... whatever she's doin with Typo. The good thing is I get to fling pretzels at 'im til Siri comes back. Bad thing is... Ferus is stayin with us.

Maybs I will have him meditate, so he keeps his yap shut an so he's not a moving target for my pretzel-flingin.

NyQuil for nights....

2005-09-04T18:38:00.000-04:00

Still sick.

Took two bottles of NyQuil.

Feelin rather buzzed, but not uncongested or whatev.

Think I complimented the green riddle monkey.

Can you OD on NyQuil? Maybe I should go down to the Healers if I don't wake up in the morning.

Or wait... that don't make sense...

Maybe I should think bout goi

breathe breathe

2005-09-01T22:46:00.000-04:00

Jedi ain't supposed to get sick, yo. But somebody (Pads... er... Senator Amidala, I'm lookin in your direction) went an hadta give me a cold or flu or sumthin and now I'm all like can't breath an spit. I tried releasin it into the Force or whatev, but then I coughed an lost my concentration.

Man, this better clear up soon. I dont wanna be all breathin funny for the rest of my life, yo. Plus my roboclaw hurts (can't figure that out), my eyescar hurts, an my sinuses are all clogged an spit. An speakin of spit, I got this goop in the back of my throat an every time I try to cough it out so I can, y'know, like, breathe a lil better, Master Y whacks me with his stick. "Hock loogies you shouldn't," he keeps sayin, but this is SO different from hockin a loogie for fun!

At least I don't haveta be gettin up early anymore. Windu's lettin us do our anger management classy assignment things online, so that's good. But still.

Now I gotta go try an breathe some more. Wish me luck.

The List

2005-08-21T21:36:00.000-04:00

So Windu's all "You gotta make a list of all the people you slaughtered" and I'm all "I haven't slaughtered that many, yo!" An I tried tellin' him that Tusken Raiders don't count as people, cept he didn't buy that so he's makin me write the list anyway, the hater.

So... okay.

People Anakin Skywalker Has Slaughtered (including Tusken Raiders)
1. Tusken encampment 17 (30 or 40, which prolly translates into one or two people)
2. Clone trooper TC1439, for cuttin me off in traffic on Jabiim
3. Sebulba, for bein a jerk
4. Gardulla the Hutt, for bein a Hutty jerk
5. One of Pads' handmaidens, by accident, when I was practicin the new Force-choke trick
6. Pads' fish Mr Fishie

An that's it. Honest.

Par-tay

2005-08-19T22:51:00.000-04:00

Pads party rocked hardcore. I was all about bein able to just chill after Windu's... class... thing... Who knew self-improvement was so hard, yo? Anyways, I tol him I was sick or whatev, and went over to Pads'... pad.

I was early, but that was all good, 'cause I hadta... um... well, we hadta run a couple errands. She kept complain that her feet hurt so we went to go get her some new shoes or whatev. Then we got back, an by that time people were showin up an spit.

Bro brought his dad... an I gotta wonder what mom saw in that dude. I mean... shuh. You can't get creepier than that guy. He kept pokin me, so I threatened to poke him with my lightsaber, an he stopped. Too bad that don't work on Yodes.

Me an Obs played the Master Yoda drinkin game (example: take a drink every time Yodes mentions Dolly. Two drinks when he mentions leavin 'presents', etc), an we were pretty wasted by about a half-hour into it. We prolly shoulda picked someone a little less... um... talkative. An we prolly shouldnta been doin shots. Whatev.

We played underwear bowling.... or, I did, anyway. An it wasn't so much bowlin as it was... lettin everybody get a look at the Chosen One shakin his groove thing. For some reason, Pads really seemed to like that.....

So then me an Pads spent some... quality time together... ya know, talkin about her senator stuff or whatev an the whole me protectin her thing... just talkin', a'ight? But then Typhoid started gettin all up in her grill about somethin or other an I couldn't see anybody talkin to my girl like that, so I threw down.

Well, I mostly just made stuff break... that always seems to happen when I'm pissed off, yo. I dunno why. I've gone through more lamps an droids that way... But then everythin was cool again, an I ended up stayin over at her place cause me + Obs + both us bein drunk = fightin over the bathroom. Pads has got, like, twelve bathrooms.

All in all, great party. But now I gotta work on the list Windu wants me to make of people I've "harmed" by my "attitude". I think first on the list is prolly Padme's goldfish, considerin I Force-broke its tank when I was all bein up in Typhoid's face.

Sorry Mr. Fishie. Didn't mean to slaughter you.

Don't Make Me Kill You

2005-08-12T22:40:00.000-04:00

Seriously, yo. This sensitivity thing is beyond whack. It wouldn't be so bad if Windu didn't insist on huggin me every five minutes cause he says I got "mommy issues" or whatev. He'd have mommy issues too if his mom died in his arms after bein enslaved by horrible beasts. But not like I'd say that or anythin. I mean, The Hero With No Fear don't play that way, yo.

Today I taught the pyro-padawans (the only ones I really get along with) how to start fires usin the Force. Saves em money on matches an lighters an spit, I figure. Unfortunately, one of 'em did it a bit too close to Windu, an the dude's robe caught fire. I didn't get in trouble cause startin fires is one of the few things I ain't known for doin, so that's all good.

We're supposed to do a "moral inventory" or sumthin. I don't really know what that means. I think we're supposed to, like, talk about what we need to change about ourselves or sumthing. He gave me this blue book to read - "The 12 Steps of Dark Side Recovery". Dunno if that's a hint or sumthin, but like I keep tellin ya'll, I don't play with the Dark Side.

He said he's gonna give me a list of all the stuff I gotta work on about myself. Believe me, ya'll will know it when that happens. I'm the Chosen One! I don't gotta work on spit. Sides the fact he hates me an'll pro'lly say I needta shave my head or sumthin (so not gonna happen).

Anyway, Pads is havin a party, so I'm all about that. Take my mind off this self-improvement dealy. I'm gonna wear sumthin even hotter than my normal kickin threads, but I haven't decided what yet. Prolly black. Prolly leather. Cause I'm hot like that, yo. But if Obs tries to put eyeliner on me again...

Feelings... whoa-oh-oh feelings

2005-08-08T23:04:00.000-04:00

I swear, ya'll, I am this close to lightsaber my own self up. Windu's sensitivity training thing is so whack it goes beyond whack to the downright ridonkulous. Had my first "class" today or whatev. He said we hadta bring in a pic of ourselves as kids (yeah, me an the three pyro padawans, that guy who works in the archives an won't stop punchin people, an that chick who kneed Obs in the groin that time he tried to pick a Cheeto out of her hair durin a food fight).
So I brought this one, yo. I was a cuddly cute lil kid, ya'll.

So Windu was all "you were crazy then, you're even crazier now" whatever that's supposed to mean.

So then we got down to bizness. We sat in a circle an we had to talk bout what scared us. I was all, SHuh! I'm the Hero With No Fear, yo! Nothin scares me! But Windu was all "Everybody is scared of something", so I jus told him I was scared of killer bees to shut him up. (I'm not, though) Funny thing is, the padawans all said they were scared of me. How sweet is that!

So after that shizzy was done, Windu gave us paper an stuff an we had to draw how we felt inside. I was feelin a little queasy from the cafeteria breakfast I hadta eat, but Windu said I wasn't allowed to draw runny eggs or whatev. So I drew this instead.

It's all angsty an spit. An Windu is all askin why I didn't use more colors or whatev, and I was all what, you think I'm like flowers and puppies an spit? I'm the Chosen One! I'm not about that! So then Windu was like... "Skywalker needs a hug". An they hugged me, yo! Talk about embarrassing! Then Windu made me hold his "bear o love" or whatev.

Bite me, Windu.

So now we gotta, like, journal or somethin. Write down our deepest darkest feelings or whatev so we can be all about controlling our emotions or whatev. Shuh, like I'm gonna do that. We're supposed to write on a scale of 1-10 shizzy like what we're feeling... like me, right now...

Anger: 10

Gonna Bust a Cap: 10

An like that. So I'm jus gonna do it here, cause there's no way I'm gonna buy a whole new datapad jus to write about stupid stuff.

So yeah. I dunno why Y-dawg wants me to take this stupid class if it's gonna have the opposite effect or whatev. But I wanna be a Master, so I gotta do it, even if it means fantasizing about choppin all ya'lls arms off. (well, not all ya'll, just the ones involved in makin me do this stupid thing).

NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2005-08-07T18:07:00.000-04:00

So check it - Little Riddle Monkey wants me to take Windu's stupid class-shizzy, an I'm so not about that. "Jedi Sensitivity"? SHUH. Whatev. I'm as sensitive as the next guy, yo. Just cause I'm not all "OMG - no emotion!" or whatev, it don't mean I'm gonna fly off the handle and go dark side on all ya'll.

And since it's Windu, I bet there's gonna be group sharing and hugs an spit. No way, no way. But since I'm gonna get kicked out of the Order (and then never become a Master an junk) if I don't go... ugh. This is ridonkulous, yo.

I gotta start tomorrow, so I'm definitely gonna be all about postin the goods up in here, cause really, dude. SO wrong.

Thanks, Aayla

2005-08-04T20:29:00.000-04:00

So I guess ya'lls know about that whole "wanted for murder" thing now that Aayla hadta open her cake-hole. Just wanna set the record straight on this one. I didn't murder sandpeople, okay? Didn't slaughter, maim, mutilate, or dessicrate their population at all, yo. I just scared em a little, that's all, really. I mean, shuh. They killed my mom, yo! You'd think I'd be entitled to a little retribution or whatevs. All I did was some.... aggressive negotiations. S'not my fault they all got in the way of my lightsaber! If I really wanted to've busted a cap, I woulda killed all the sandpeople, not just one tribe. But... I didn't kill one tribe. Didn't kill any.

And Aayla, for ya 411, "Little Ani" was my slave name, yo. Now I'm A-dawg, Anakin, or Ani-from-the-block. Oh, or PimpMaster Skywalker. Whatevs.

So, in conclusion, ya'll... not a murderer. Just a... negotiator. Like Obi-Wan! Only... with blood on my boots instead of Cheeto stains on my robes.

The Death of a Droid

2005-08-02T19:56:00.000-04:00

Word up my home-Jedis and wannabeJedis. Check it - I am way sick of 3P0 actin all "rovin reporter" or whatevs. TWO times he posted pics of me that I didn't even know he took an now everybody knows about me an Padme suckin face... .I mean.... me rescuin her from whatever, or whatever. An the modeling spot? Okay, look, I was hard up for cash, yo. Like the album little-homes JJ was all talkin about, I just did it so I could pay off some people, a'ight? Not proud of it, but there ya go, and the fewer peeps knowin, the better. I mean, who would take the Hero With No Fear seriously seein him in a flowered shirt? Nobody!

So here's the thing. I went to go talk to 3P0 about it. Didn't wanna get all up in his grill or anythin, since he's all "Oh, Master Anakin, you're so handsome I just thought the galaxy would want to see more of you!" And well, yeah, that's true - I am hot stuff - but I would so rather people not see that side of me. Strikin fear in the heart of the Separatists and Younglings is tough when all they think about is the "softer side of Ani" or whatev.

So I went to talk to him, right? And he's all bein... him... and then alla sudden I just... I couldn't take it anymore, yo! Here I am, tryin to protect the galaxy, and he's bein all paparazizzle. I dunno what came over me. Next thing I know, he's lyin on the floor in pieces, an I got my lightsaber out. I got oil and shizzy all over my robes, yo. An now I dont got a droid. Not like it's a big thing - I built him the first time, I can rebuild him now. But not... right now. I gotta cool off first.

An this kinda makes me wonder - I don't remember choppin hisself up. Gotta wonder if I ever did that before. I mean, drinking binges dont count - as Aalya and Siri (and me, I guess) have made perfectly clear - there are always witnesses for those. An even if I was wasted beyond belief, I think I'd remember choppin somebody up, you know?

I have woken up with blood on my robes an spit before, but I usually figured Mace got a nosebleed and thought wiping it on the black robes would make it not obvious. Maybe gonna wanna look into that...

......

Nah.

lose yourself part 2

2005-07-29T20:16:00.000-04:00

So check it. Typhus totally picked out a rockin' theme song for me. So from now on, whenever the Chosen One enters a room or gets shown on the Holonet, "My Way or the Highway" is gonna play. Or I'm gonna be hummin it, or whatevs.

Oh, and Fluke's got a grandpa cam! That shizzy's off the hook!

....

2005-07-27T21:30:00.000-04:00

Would removing all of Han's limbs be considered an act of the dark side? Anyone? Y-dawg, I know you think everything leads to the dark side, so I already know what you's gonna say. Palps, what do you think?

lose yourself in the music

2005-07-24T00:14:00.000-04:00

So check it. I decided the Chosen One needs a theme song. Sumthin cool that can play whenever I appear on the Holonet or when I walk into a room or whatevs. I really like the Grand March of the Republic, but I dunno if somebody already claimed that. Maybe if I pimp it out to a techno or hardcore rock beat it'd be different enough.

What do ya'lls think? I mean, I'm on the Holonet enough that you'd think they'd come up with some shizzy on their own, but they havent so I gotta do it for 'em, yo.

Count Dooku in the Study with the Funky Lightsaber

2005-07-21T10:44:00.000-04:00

So Y-dawg keeps accusing me of takin his ducky and toilet-plank. First of all, why would I take a 2x4 that Y's butt has been on? Gross. Secondly, I don't have to steal his rubber ducky (~~I have my own, yo~~). He says it's cause he showed my undies to the Council, but since I've moved up from Spiderman to Batman, I don't really care anymore. Ani from the block doesn't hold a grudge, yo.

Cept for the cookie thing.

And the arm thing.

And the Sand People killin my momma thing.

But other than that, no grudges for the Chosen One.

Besides, I don't have time to worry about the green muppet bein all up in my grill. We won the challenge, and we got beer! Sweet nectar of life! I've made it my duty to guard said beer. You know, just in case... of Sand People...

*cracks open a beer*

Mmm.... beer...

Mos Eisley

2005-07-17T00:56:00.000-04:00

I forgot that it takes about a billion years to get anywhere on this whack planet.

I'm all sweaty and sandy and that's just not cool, yo. Hope somebody in Mos Eisley has air conditioners. I mean, shuh.

Home is where your slave chip is

2005-07-15T11:55:00.000-04:00

Bad enough I'm still covered in sand from whatever happened the other day, but now I's gotta go back to Tatooine for some contest-thing and I'll be covered in even more sand. Not cool, yo. Not cool. S'long as we stay away from Mos Espa and the Lars homestead I think we'll be okay... and by we, I mean I won't feel the need to bust a cap in any of my teammembers.

Tusken Raiders, on the other hand...

Never thought I'd go back to that whacked out hizome world, yo. Thought bein a Jedi would keep me from havin to go back exceptin when I come to free the slaves. 'Course the only slave I really wanted to free was my mom, and, well... screw the rest of em.

Luckily I've got my fly girl on my team. That'll keep me occupied, even if her bodyguard Typhoid is all up in my grill about... whatever he hates me for this week... Whatevs.

We can bring a weapon and a luxury item. Obviously I'm bringin my lightsaber - it definitely helped last time I was here, yo. As for the luxury item... I haven't quite decided yet. I'm torn between a shampoo/conditioner combo and a big bottle of Corellian tequlia. I'm leaning towards the tequila since there won't be any water to wash my hair in anyway... Tough choices, yo. Tough choices.

Sand is whack

2005-07-14T20:25:00.000-04:00

So check it: I be thinking I might have overdone it on the brownies yesterday, yo. I wake up this morning, and I'm covered in sand. And I think I've made it pretty clear how I feel about that shizzy. As I'm gropin around tryin to get the sand off myself, I find a printout... now I just feel violated, yo.

Whoever took this spit better speak up. What's up with the sand, yo?

I do look pretty illin', though. And no, Han, this doesn't mean I'm layin off the brownies.

I have sand in my ear. Not cool, ya'll. Not cool.

Rescue!

2005-07-13T20:55:00.000-04:00

So I got to go down in the lower city today to rescue little-homes JJ from the Pimp-Tastic Calrissian. I'm thinkin "yo, I'm the Chosen One, this won't be nothin;". But then I saw the power that Calrissian guy has! He's got the honies, and the fly threads and all that shizzy. "Join me," he says. "And together we can rule the pimp market." I guess he knows mad skills when he sees 'em.

I had a tough decision to make, yo. Give in to the Pimp side of the Force, or perform my Force-given talent for chopping people's selves up. I had to sit me down and have a couple Colt 45s before I could decide, yo. Finally, I went with the second option. I mean, being a playa would be cool, but then I'd have to give up my illin' black cloaks an spit. I spent a lotta good money on my leather threads. Plus Calrissian was startin' to bug me.

The battle was kickin', yo! I was all "You're gonna pay for all the Jawas you pimped out today, fool!" and he was all "This wasn't part of the agreement!" (whatever that's supposed to mean). I used the Force to pull his illin' feather hat over his eyes and open the door for JJ to run out. Gotta say, that little dude looks creepy in fishnets and heels. That shizzy'll replace the Sand People in my nightmares, yo. There is not enough brownies and tequila in the universe that'll erase that from my brain.

Finally, I was all "AAaaahhh!" 'cause I was gettin' pissed off an bored and spit, and fling(!) go Calrissian's hands. If he gets to a hospital in time, he'll be able to get 'em reattached, no problems. Finally, me an JJ hop in my kickin' speeder, and hightail it back to the upper city.

One thing about the lower city: it smells like cabbage, yo. What's up with that?

Time to bust a cap!

2005-07-12T12:24:00.000-04:00

So Obs is aight, which is good, yo. 'Cept soon he's gonna be right back up in my face about all the stuff that leads to the dark side and spit, but oh well.

Poor mini-homes JJ is MIA, and I decided I'm settin me up on a rescue mission. I keep hearin from my boyz on the street that SuperPimp Calrissian is bein a playa hater and has JJ in his Colt 45-drinkin', feathered-hat wearin', pimp-cane usin' clutches, so I'm goin down there and I'm gonna throw down hardcore.

Wonder if I should set my 'saber up with some bling first though...

Seeing Eye Monkeys

2005-07-11T11:31:00.000-04:00

So me and Y-dawg went to Wal-Mart. He needed, I dunno, Depends or somethin', and I needed more sculpting gel. He don't seem to realize how much work illin' hair like mine is. Just 'cause he's got that weird comb-over thing going on don't mean he can take it out on me.

The guard at the door thought the green riddle monkey really was a monkey, so I says "Yo, he's my seeing eye monkey, G." And that worked. But then Y was all "Disrespect me you do," and Force-wedgied me. Not cool, homes. Not cool. But if anybody bothered to check to see if I really was blind, I woulda busted a cap. People are weak-minded, yo. I coulda taken the whole store by my own self. Maybe if I'd taken off my bling-hand and said he was my reaching monkey he wouldn't have been so hatin' on me.

Gotta go see Master Obs at the hiz-ospital later. Shoulda gotten cookies at Wal-Mart, but I was wedgied and couldn't be thinking straight. I'll just go down during snack time and steal some from the Younglings or somethin'. For now I'm gonna cruise in the illin' speeder JJ set me up with. That thing is pimpin' hardcore, yo. Lower city, here I come!

Who's the Master?

2005-07-10T22:53:00.000-04:00

Obi-Wan got his sorry butt kicked by an R4 unit, apparently. That is whack. Now I gotta bring cookies cause I was eating Qui-Gon's brownies when I heard about it, and I says "Yo, I'll bring cookies," and now I don't wanna.

I wonder if I can lay a smackdown on my own self?

Shuh, I'll bring cookies anyway, but I ain't baking them myself.

Powdered donuts are whack

2005-07-10T12:53:00.000-04:00

Obi-Wan got powdered donut powder all over my illin' black robes. I almost busted a cap, but then he was all "Killing your master leads to the dark side", blah blah blah, and I really don't need that shizzy on top of everything else. Still gotta wonder why he gotta use my threads for a napkin. Why don't he just wipe his hands down the front of his shirt like he always does?

I think he's testing me. Or something. Whatevs.

I wanna go scare the younglings for a while, so I'm out.

Word.

2005-07-09T18:59:00.000-04:00

So the princess told me I should get a blog and I was all like "whatever" 'cause usually if I have something to say I just go find somebody and say it, cause I keep it real like that. But then I was like, if the Masters can have blogs, I should have one too, what with me being the Chosen One and spit.

Obi-Wan's still up in my grill over his busted-ass speeder.